Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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