Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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