The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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