he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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