There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
