I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
