Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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