omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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