I hate all girls vehemently.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
