You're my little dorito
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
