Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
