Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Please don't give away my fajitas
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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