Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
