So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
