Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
