Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
