Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
