How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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