I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
