I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
