I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
