Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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