that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
