More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
