Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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