coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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