She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
