i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
