is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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