I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
