What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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