Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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