you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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