How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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