I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
