seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
