Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We're too hungover to prance.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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