i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
