I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
