In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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