this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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