I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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