You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can't turn off my feet"
Randomize
