I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
