He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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