I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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