Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
