my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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