Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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