It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
