he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
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He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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