Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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