When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
