Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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