I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
