You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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