Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
