if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
