We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
